one recognizes one’s course by discovering the paths that stray from it.

I literally have five minutes before I have to get ready for school. It is harder to start writing now. I don’t know why it’s harder to write when life is good… perhaps because I have more energy to devote to self-consciousness.

I am starting to work on my memoir… by that I mean that I am starting to THINK about working on it, and by that I mean that I am starting to think about going through all the back entries of my blog, entering them into Scrivener (a writing program M swears by), and taking that time to review the “plot” as it were and try to create a structure for the book.

Structure is the hardest part, or will be the hardest part, I think. I have absolutely no problem writing about my past in great detail, and I still remember almost all of it, the parts I don’t remember I can review in my old blogs. The problem is that I have TOO MUCH to write about, and any story I start telling ends up remind me of 100 other anecdotes. That’s why I need a structure.

I thought the hardest part of starting this memoir would be finding out what “the end” was… for a long time when people told me I should write a memoir, I told them I had to see how the story ended first. People always laughed at that, but it would have been silly to write a memoir that ended, “…and I’ve only been clean for three days, who knows what will happen tomorrow.” That would be very unsatisfying for everyone involved, especially me.

Once I knew the ending I thought the rest would fall into place, but as it turns out, I need to be able to convey the story arc from beginning to end. Especially because so much happens and there are so many ups and downs, it has to feel like it’s going somewhere. I have to tease out the story arc that I didn’t know was happening at the time… you can only connect the dots backwards.


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