give me your eyes i need sunshine

heartI thought I should write another entry because my last one was doubting whether J. was telling the truth or not and I found out he was, and that he did actually get clean after I left. I can accurately say this because I know he only had one dealer’s number, and I talked to that dealer, who said he hadn’t ever called. This guy usually meets me and has only met J. once so he has no reason to lie to me. Also I realized the reason he probably hasn’t been texting me as much is that he’s working 55-60 hours a week now, whereas when I was doing my internship in Portland four days a week for the last couple months, he was unemployed. Now I feel bad for doubting him, since he’s always so honest.

Oh wow, he just now texted me: “Are you ever coming home?!? haha :)” Okay, now it’s back to the way he normally is. We have the weirdest timing with texts. I realize the universe doesn’t work like that, but anytime I’m thinking about him, he texts me. Maybe that’s because I’m always thinking about him.

Then I was just worrying… maybe I’m misremembering what “normal” is for him? Maybe I’ve been exaggerating his affection in my mind? Scrolled through a few months of texts and found a lot of these little exchanges (this one is over the span of me working in Portland one week Tuesday-Friday):

11/10/15 (day I left, right after arriving in Portland)
me: I miss you. I’m sad. 😦
J.: I miss you too
me: Don’t forget to feed the kitties!
J.: I will spoil the kitties like their mother does. 🙂

11/11/15
J.: Wish you were here.
me: Me too. 😦 I miss you. You always cheer me up.
J. I miss you too.
J.: I’m bored without you here.
me: So that’s all I am to you? Entertainment?? haha
J. An integral part of my happiness.

11/12/15
J. Really missing you tonight. Almost wish I could see you tonight. Hope you are doing well.
me: Aw I miss you too! 😦 How are you feeling? I’m super stressed out and I miss you!!
J.: Well keep up the good fight. I feel like I totally wanna do drugs right now. haha! All the cats do is eat and open the door I swear! 🙂
Me: Hmm well ok I hope you feel better. I’ll be home tomorrow though.  Yay!!!!!!!!!!
J.: I definitely need a big hug.
Me: I need a big hug too! What a coincidence!!! My stress level is like one million.
J.: Stay calm. It will be okay.
J.: Well don’t stress out too much. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow.
J.: I’m actually really lonely without you here.
Me: Awwww
J.: The cats are okay but they don’t like you not being here.
Me: I’m really lonely too. I get so much more stressed out when you aren’t here. 😦

11/13/15
Me: I can’t wait to come home tonight.
J.: Come home.
Me: I miss you. I’m tired and I need a hug and a cuddle.
J.: Come get em. haha
Me: My arrival time is supposedly 7:07 pm according to my GPS
J.: I can’t believe it’s really true!
Me: What’s really true?
J.: You’re coming back!!!
Me: Of course I’m coming back.
Me: You thought I wasn’t going to come back? haha!
J.: It started to feel that way haha.
Me: When do you get off work?
J.: Not until 9. 😦 Hey can you have a giant hug ready for me? And tell me I smell good even though I smell bad?
Me: Yeah definitely! I was planning on doing that anyway! And you never smell bad! You think I’m lying but I’m not lying. I was literally just smelling one of your shirts because it smells so good.

So…. yeah. I still feel like it’s weird he has barely texted me since I’ve been here, at least not like that. But I’m clearly overanalyzing. I’m the type to fall in love super fast and often I fall out of love pretty fast too, though not when it’s this intense. There have been several times when I had a huge crush on a guy and just when he started getting into in me, I would lose interest and break up with him. Also J. is not the flighty type, he tends to be very methodical about his choices/loves and then stick with them for very long periods of time. The type of person who still cries weekly about his father’s death 21 years ago. And has only had three serious relationships. Well four, if I count. He’s really loyal and has an overblown sense of honor. So I just keep telling myself that after six months of perfection there’s no reason he’s just going to randomly disappear.

We talked about having kids a few days before I left for my parents’ place. Kind of indirectly. I know he’s really good with kids, all the kids of his friends and relatives absolutely adore him, it’s so cute. There’s a video of him playing “somewhere over the rainbow” with his sister’s daughter. I’m a little confused about why his ten year marriage never involved children, but maybe there were other factors.

Anyway I’ve held off asking so as not to sound like the biological-clock-time-bomb that I am, but I finally asked him if he ever wants to have kids. He said, “Yes, definitely. But I’m not getting any younger.” Also he has never asked me if I’m on birth control (I’m not — it makes me c-r-a-z-y) and has never attempted to use protection or pull out. So far, nothin’. I mean I haven’t had a period in 3 months but I’m always irregular, and I tested and I’m not pregnant. Maybe we are both sterile from so much drug use! That would be tragic. Especially since I’ve had three abortions. Which I have not regretted in the slightest, especially considering the men who had gotten me pregnant, but I would probably regret them more if I was unable to have children.

Anyway. I’ve been trying to figure out what his response to my question means. I was about ready to pick some random guy at a bar before I met J. For real. Actually G. told me when I was in my 20s that if I hadn’t found a potential father by age 30, that he would knock me up, but I’m not sure if that’s still on, seeing as he has a girlfriend. haha.

Now that I finished school, have a job, and an amazing relationship, having kids is kind of the last nagging thing that I haven’t settled yet. Not like everything is perfect — I need a BETTER job for one thing — but I feel like I’m on the path to all my other goals. That in itself is pretty surreal. I should be more grateful, considering that two years ago almost to the day I spent 45 minutes sobbing just from finding out I got into journalism school because it was the first thing that had given me hope in a decade.

Okay. Sorry this was really pointless and I am just writing these things down to reassure myself next time I am mind-fucked by insecurity. 🙂

XOXOXO

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from now on our troubles will be miles away

IMG_0003Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. J’s favorite holiday is Halloween. I appreciate anyone who loves holidays, because I love most of them. But we are apart for 10 days. And I’ve been thinking about what those holidays mean.

I flew home to see my family and get clean. You know, that’s always inevitable when two ex-addicts get together. And then we couldn’t stop because I was working full time at an internship and I didn’t have enough days off in a row to go through withdrawal.

The night before I flew to my parent’s place on Sunday, J’s band played a show. They play about every two weeks at a local club, make like $60 per band member from the cover charge, and all of his friends come and have a great time. His friends are amazing, they have totally welcomed and accepted me and greet me like we’ve known each other for years. You can judge a person based on their friends and family relationships, I think. J is clearly someone whom people love fiercely.

I still can’t put my finger on what it is about him that makes me so crazed with  love/lust. Sure, he’s my type, physically, I could spend a lifetime exploring his perfect body, down to the pores, his soft skin, delicate hands, thin and tall and restless, with eyes that wander around the room like mine do, this lightening bolt of something from deep down under the pain that comes out through his eyes. He’s warm and fiery and passionate and emotional and breaks down crying at random moments, which is one of my favorite things in a guy. The way he never asks for anything, ever. Suffers through so much in silence. And then sometimes all the stuff in his head breaks open and I get this outpouring of grief and pain and tears and I just want to wrap him up like a baby and protect him from all the shit in his past that I will never, ever be able to protect him from.

He writes the most incredible songs, too. At first I groaned, not another boyfriend in a band, but he is so good, and so good at writing songs… they are constantly in my head. I can see how cathartic preforming is for him. The suffer in silence stuff goes out the window and he’s got sweat and tears running down his face, wiping them off after every song.

After I got on the train on Sunday morning I almost started crying, I missed him so much already, even just five minutes after we hugged goodbye. I spent the two hour train ride to Portland watching these two videos over and over in rapid succession. The first is at his friend’s housewarming party. J is in the middle, standing, holding a cigarette that he restlessly fidgets with, putting it in his mouth, then taking it out and flicking it with his hand for the next three minutes. His best friend Jon is on the piano, and his good friend from high school, Dave, is on the floor on guitar. Emily is next to the wall. Apparently after J’s divorce two years ago, she told him that she had always had a crush on him. But he wasn’t interested, and she was distraught: “Aren’t I pretty enough?” I always feel weird around her. But anyway… I love this video because you can see how much love there is. J makes fun of me for how many videos I post but I feel like a sponge just drinking it all in. I have been so isolated for so long. And J and Jon are smiling at each other in the cutest bromance way…

Oh, well I was going to post it here but I realized I have no idea how to download a video I’ve posted to facebook, and it’s no longer on my phone. Point is, I spend most weekends singing along to great songs with a bunch of amazing pianists & guitar players.

The second video I still have on my phone so I can post it. This was at J’s last show. He had a cold so his voice sounds a little weird, but I’ve been watching this video over and over with the computer screen about two inches from my face so I can see his facial expressions, because there’s a part where he’s singing directly at me, pointing at me, in the middle… the song lyrics are pretty dark actually. But the refrain is a little lighter… that’s the part where he points at me, then each of his two band mates and repeats the line, “But you’re not gonna die, cause they won’t forget your name.”

The words are:

With all the ideas that they put in your head
Will you think about them, can you think at all?
Will you think about it?
And on the inside when you swallow it down,
Take another hit and drown,
In the darkness and then come back up to breathe
So hypnotizing when the words are let in
And your dizzy head it spins
The decision to pacify from within
With all the ideas that they put in your head
Will you think about them?
Can you think at all?
Will you think about it?
But you’re not gonna die, cause they won’t forget your name.

Watching the videos doesn’t make me feel better. It just makes me miss him more. Despite the logic that I know I will be back in less than a week. For the six or so months we’ve been together I’ve tried to cling to some perspective or independence but it’s hard when he basically moved in with me the second time we saw each other, and we were rarely apart for more than a few moments from then until my internship started, and then only for three or four days a week tops. And he would text me multiple times a day to tell me how much he missed me or that he couldn’t wait to see me that night or whatever.

And when I would walk through the door after being gone for a few days, he would hold me so tight for these epic 15-minute hugs, and would just be so overjoyed to see me, I don’t think anyone I’ve ever loved has ever been that happy to see me in my entire life. I’m needy as fuck, I have zero boundaries, and I appreciate another person with similar characteristics.

The part that is freaking me out is that since I’ve been gone I haven’t gotten the same rapid fire texts that I would get when I was away at my internship. Which makes me think he didn’t get clean after I left. Because he always misses me more when we are clean. It’s just a feeling, but it keeps bothering me. Especially because a mutual friend, one of the few who knows about our habit(s), stopped by two days after I left and reported back to me that J. didn’t seem dopesick at all. And then J. asked me for our dealer’s number yesterday. He said it was because he has to be alone on Christmas, he had to work xmas eve and xmas day at his fancy new job as the assistant manager of a pet store. And I felt so bad for leaving him there alone that I gave him all the numbers I had for people in town. I asked him if he had actually stopped when I left, and he said he had, which didn’t jive with what the mutual friend had said. He has always been really pointed about being 100 percent honest, like I am in relationships, and I loved that about him. And I don’t want to find out that he’s lying to me, even about something silly like whether he used for one extra day after I left or something.

I was thinking about our favorite holidays today as I worried about this. He loves, loves Halloween. I’ve actually rarely met anyone who was as into any holidays as I am, so that made me happy even though my favorite holiday is Christmas. Christmas is about darkness giving over to light, it’s transactional, giving and receiving and seeing where you stand with people based on their gifts. It’s a full-throated celebration, totally regardless of religious connotations, since I have never been religious.

Halloween is dark, it’s about deception, disguise, not recognizing those around you. Or at the very least acting. J is an actor too and he does hilarious accents and impressions. He was Mercutio in Romeo and Juliet, which seems fitting. Based on some pretty weird and/or unflattering stuff he voluntarily told me about himself, and his constant stressing of honesty, I’ve always assumed he was as honest as he said he was. But then I started doubting him and it’s just eating away at me.

Being in love is really extraordinarily painful in almost every way, even the good bits. I forgot what this was like, for the last 10 or so years. I definitely had some strong crushes and flings over the years but most of them ended so quickly I didn’t have a chance to get in this deep, so far over my head I feel like I can’t breathe. My last relationship, which went on for five years, I think I thought I was in love but now I’m realizing that I wasn’t, or at least it was just on a different level, where I could stay at arm’s length, at a remove, and not be bothered by whether he gave two shits about me or not. (Spoiler alert: he didn’t.) Or whether he was lying to me. I don’t think M. has the same excessive guilt/shame-complex that J. has so maybe he never had reason to lie to me about anything. But I was definitely never up nights wondering whether he was using when I was out of town or trying to figure out why he wasn’t texting me back.

I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything, even if he overdosed and died tomorrow or left me or something at least I know I can still love someone that much. I was starting to wonder if I’d lost part of my soul. Obsession runs in my blood and it never feels quite right when I’m not fixated on a person, place, or thing. First Gabe. And then for the longest time it was Eva and Portland, my twin loves. Now that I actually have a job in Portland and have chosen to work remotely from Eugene to stay close to J and his friends, my whole world has turned topsy turvy… I wasn’t aware anyone could top my love for Portland other than Eva.

Being alone and lonely, that was an ache I was used to. Being in a fair-to-middling long-term relationship was pretty familiar too, but after M. left for Alaska I knew I wasn’t going to spend 6 months waiting for him to get back so we could return to our then-100-percent celibate relationship, but even being alone, wasn’t a big deal. I watched a lot of WWII documentaries for the first two months until J. and I finally got together. We’d been messaging each other since March, I shudder to think what would have happened if I had been a bit quicker responding. If I’d still been taking 5 classes when we met, I probably would have gotten straight F’s instead of straight A’s. God, I am pathetic.

If I had known what did happen when we met, when we were both single and clean rather than on heroin and with him dating a psycho drama queen and me dating a shut-in who never touched me, well, I definitely would have taken him up on meeting back in March when he first messaged me. I guess I can thank my lucky stars it took me until July.

And… just got this text that he is feeding the kitties some gourmet food from his job and going to see Star Wars… alone, on Christmas. Five more days until I’m back.

XOXOXO