give me your eyes i need sunshine

heartI thought I should write another entry because my last one was doubting whether J. was telling the truth or not and I found out he was, and that he did actually get clean after I left. I can accurately say this because I know he only had one dealer’s number, and I talked to that dealer, who said he hadn’t ever called. This guy usually meets me and has only met J. once so he has no reason to lie to me. Also I realized the reason he probably hasn’t been texting me as much is that he’s working 55-60 hours a week now, whereas when I was doing my internship in Portland four days a week for the last couple months, he was unemployed. Now I feel bad for doubting him, since he’s always so honest.

Oh wow, he just now texted me: “Are you ever coming home?!? haha :)” Okay, now it’s back to the way he normally is. We have the weirdest timing with texts. I realize the universe doesn’t work like that, but anytime I’m thinking about him, he texts me. Maybe that’s because I’m always thinking about him.

Then I was just worrying… maybe I’m misremembering what “normal” is for him? Maybe I’ve been exaggerating his affection in my mind? Scrolled through a few months of texts and found a lot of these little exchanges (this one is over the span of me working in Portland one week Tuesday-Friday):

11/10/15 (day I left, right after arriving in Portland)
me: I miss you. I’m sad. 😦
J.: I miss you too
me: Don’t forget to feed the kitties!
J.: I will spoil the kitties like their mother does. 🙂

11/11/15
J.: Wish you were here.
me: Me too. 😦 I miss you. You always cheer me up.
J. I miss you too.
J.: I’m bored without you here.
me: So that’s all I am to you? Entertainment?? haha
J. An integral part of my happiness.

11/12/15
J. Really missing you tonight. Almost wish I could see you tonight. Hope you are doing well.
me: Aw I miss you too! 😦 How are you feeling? I’m super stressed out and I miss you!!
J.: Well keep up the good fight. I feel like I totally wanna do drugs right now. haha! All the cats do is eat and open the door I swear! 🙂
Me: Hmm well ok I hope you feel better. I’ll be home tomorrow though.  Yay!!!!!!!!!!
J.: I definitely need a big hug.
Me: I need a big hug too! What a coincidence!!! My stress level is like one million.
J.: Stay calm. It will be okay.
J.: Well don’t stress out too much. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow.
J.: I’m actually really lonely without you here.
Me: Awwww
J.: The cats are okay but they don’t like you not being here.
Me: I’m really lonely too. I get so much more stressed out when you aren’t here. 😦

11/13/15
Me: I can’t wait to come home tonight.
J.: Come home.
Me: I miss you. I’m tired and I need a hug and a cuddle.
J.: Come get em. haha
Me: My arrival time is supposedly 7:07 pm according to my GPS
J.: I can’t believe it’s really true!
Me: What’s really true?
J.: You’re coming back!!!
Me: Of course I’m coming back.
Me: You thought I wasn’t going to come back? haha!
J.: It started to feel that way haha.
Me: When do you get off work?
J.: Not until 9. 😦 Hey can you have a giant hug ready for me? And tell me I smell good even though I smell bad?
Me: Yeah definitely! I was planning on doing that anyway! And you never smell bad! You think I’m lying but I’m not lying. I was literally just smelling one of your shirts because it smells so good.

So…. yeah. I still feel like it’s weird he has barely texted me since I’ve been here, at least not like that. But I’m clearly overanalyzing. I’m the type to fall in love super fast and often I fall out of love pretty fast too, though not when it’s this intense. There have been several times when I had a huge crush on a guy and just when he started getting into in me, I would lose interest and break up with him. Also J. is not the flighty type, he tends to be very methodical about his choices/loves and then stick with them for very long periods of time. The type of person who still cries weekly about his father’s death 21 years ago. And has only had three serious relationships. Well four, if I count. He’s really loyal and has an overblown sense of honor. So I just keep telling myself that after six months of perfection there’s no reason he’s just going to randomly disappear.

We talked about having kids a few days before I left for my parents’ place. Kind of indirectly. I know he’s really good with kids, all the kids of his friends and relatives absolutely adore him, it’s so cute. There’s a video of him playing “somewhere over the rainbow” with his sister’s daughter. I’m a little confused about why his ten year marriage never involved children, but maybe there were other factors.

Anyway I’ve held off asking so as not to sound like the biological-clock-time-bomb that I am, but I finally asked him if he ever wants to have kids. He said, “Yes, definitely. But I’m not getting any younger.” Also he has never asked me if I’m on birth control (I’m not — it makes me c-r-a-z-y) and has never attempted to use protection or pull out. So far, nothin’. I mean I haven’t had a period in 3 months but I’m always irregular, and I tested and I’m not pregnant. Maybe we are both sterile from so much drug use! That would be tragic. Especially since I’ve had three abortions. Which I have not regretted in the slightest, especially considering the men who had gotten me pregnant, but I would probably regret them more if I was unable to have children.

Anyway. I’ve been trying to figure out what his response to my question means. I was about ready to pick some random guy at a bar before I met J. For real. Actually G. told me when I was in my 20s that if I hadn’t found a potential father by age 30, that he would knock me up, but I’m not sure if that’s still on, seeing as he has a girlfriend. haha.

Now that I finished school, have a job, and an amazing relationship, having kids is kind of the last nagging thing that I haven’t settled yet. Not like everything is perfect — I need a BETTER job for one thing — but I feel like I’m on the path to all my other goals. That in itself is pretty surreal. I should be more grateful, considering that two years ago almost to the day I spent 45 minutes sobbing just from finding out I got into journalism school because it was the first thing that had given me hope in a decade.

Okay. Sorry this was really pointless and I am just writing these things down to reassure myself next time I am mind-fucked by insecurity. 🙂

XOXOXO

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